I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
