Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
