it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
