I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
