I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
