oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
