when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I will be naked everywhere
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
