Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
