Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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