Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
