I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
