Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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