I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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