Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
