I need to stop coming to work sober
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
