Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
