Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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