How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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