He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
