is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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