the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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