Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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