I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
