We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.