what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
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I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
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He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.