Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?