Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
