Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
