I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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