You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
