They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
