I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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