I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
NoShamevember. You game?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
