you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Randomize
