My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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