Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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