My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I think a kid would responsible me up
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
