Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Dicks are not precious.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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