I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
