he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
