I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
