Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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