I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
