alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
