Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I need to wash the frat house off of me
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
