Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
