After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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