my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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