I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Why is your signature on my underwear?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
