My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
