Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
