I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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