I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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