Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
