wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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