we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My ATM looks so different sober.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
