He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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