My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
