I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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