i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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