I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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