OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I faked an abortion last night.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
