i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
