2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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